Femme Fatale

…if she’s meant to be yours, she will come back. If she doesn’t, then she wasn’t meant to be yours in the first place.

Then what about letting HIM go?

Will HE come back? Will HE realize everything SHE has done for HIM was to prevent HIM from getting hurt, from falling, from breaking into a million pieces?

Unlike the millions of movies we watch, where the heroin / hero are usually forgiven for all the wrongs they’ve done, be it whether they had an affair ke, cheated on their husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/dog/fish ke, dumped the boyfriend/girlfriend for another guy/girl/freedom/whatever ke, they are always forgiven no matter what.

Or in the books we read where love CONQUERS ALL, I guess in reality, it really isn’t as easy as that.

Sometimes, people just make mistakes. That’s what life is all about anyways, isn’t it? It’s all about making mistakes. If people don’t make mistakes, people don’t learn. And if people don’t learn, there’ll be no improvement in character/attitude. And how else would we be able to make this world a better place if people don’t make mistakes so that they can learn from their mistakes?

Perhaps, it takes some people longer than normal to realize their mistakes. Perhaps to realize their mistakes, some people just make mistakes after mistakes after mistakes before they realize that hey, they’ve made three mistakes in a row! Or perhaps, sometimes people are just too blind to realize the mistakes they are making until they loose something. And by then, it would be too late.

And unfortunately for these people who learn too late, there is just no space for forgiveness in the hearts of other people these days. Because these other people have been hurt/rejected/humiliated by the mistakes made.

It’s really sad to think of two people who are madly in love with each other, but not doing anything about it because one made a mistake and the other is too proud to find space in his/her heart to forgive him/her. And therefore, they go on with life, knowing that each another is irreplaceable in each other’s hearts, but too proud to do anything about it. And when it comes to a day when one thinks back, was pride really all that worth it for it to stand in the way of love?

I even know of two brothers who have not been talking to each another since eons ago, and all because of ONE incident that caused them to drift apart. And why? Because one is too proud to apologise and the other, too proud to forgive.

So, we go back to where we started. The infamous saying that goes, "If you love him/her, let him/her go. If he/she is meant to be yours, he/she will come back. If he/she doesn’t, then he/she wasn’t meant to be yours in the first place"

BUT….if HE/SHE does come back….will you be able to accept HIM/HER and forgive HIM/HER for everything that HE/SHE has done?

Perhaps, if he/she does come back, and you’re not willing to accept him/her back, then I guess YOU were never meant for him/her….

Either that, or you’re just too proud….

Pride. Is it worth it?

First thing in the morning on the oh-so-commercialized V Day and I get a call from an ex-colleague.

"Girl! Tiga bouquet of flowers sampai office pagi ni lah. All for you! Then got one BIG teddy bear somemore, you know. Better still (she squeals), got one small present here also….look like those key boxes lah".

"Ha? Really arr? (rolls eyes). From who lah?"

"Dunno lah. But all very nice roses"

"You all keep lah. Teddy bear also you keep lah. I dowan. Happy Valentines ya!"

Now see here. I think Valentine’s Day is so fucking fake. And people who take advantage of this day are all fake. Absolutely fucking fakers. From MY point of view, here’s why:

1. Roses. I HATE roses. If someone’s really sincere about giving me flowers on V Day, then he should fucking find out what fucking flowers I like! And they are definitely NOT roses!
2. Teddy bears. Awww….so sweet! But I am not a little girl anymore. I have but ONE teddy bear in my room and I definitely do not need anymore. Besides, the Teddy in my room means a lot to me and no other teddies will ever be able to take it’s place. So, NO soft toys of any kind.
3. Location. Hello! How long have I left that company already! And still you send flowers there. What is this? If you’re interested in me, at least try to be a little more sincere to find out if I’m still there or not lah.
4. Timing. You don’t have to wait for Valentine’s to give me flowers or to tell me that you like me. There are 365 days in a year. What? Just to show me your sincerity, you buy me flowers on the day when it cost the most, izzit? *sigh*….

So, for all of you out there who spends ridiculous amount of money on roses (or whatever flowers there are) and chocolates and teddy bears, the so-talked-about V Day isn’t all that much to talk about after all.

After all, isn’t there a saying that goes "Everyday is Valentine’s Day" ?

After……

a raging storm, that tears houses apart, that uproots even the strongest trees, that sends thunder roaring across the darkened skies, lightning striking everything in sight, oceans crashing against rocks, sending dangerous sprays of water up into the air, where the howling winds sweeps it across the rain-soaked lands…..there comes sunshine, with it’s gentle fingers caressing to warm the lands below, to calm the now sleeping oceans, and to send a sweet gentle breeze to touch the fresh sprung grass and leaves….

After……

a freezing cold winter that slashes and howls at everything in sight, that bites and freezes even the hardest of rocks, that turns even the warmest hearts to cold blocks of ice, that chills even the most tender of feelings into nothing…..there comes the sweet gentle warmth of summer, fresh green leaves, newborn emotions, to tickle hearts filled with new love…

After……

bitterness and pain, sorrow and hurt, empty darkness, a hollow heart, tearful goodbyes and lost kisses, wandering in the darkness with no directions to go…..

….there is light at the end of this long dark tunnel, and as I reach out and felt the first breeze of another summer, the first kiss of the sun’s warmth, the first caress of the gentle wind, heard the first songs of the lovebirds, saw the first trots of the white horses, step by step, I get closer to the light, my arms opened wide, to welcome in a new summer’s love, to take the hand of my new destiny and walk with him, once again being able to laugh gayly like blue-bells, and feelings soar anew to heights never been reached before….

and it dawned on me….this is LOVE

…..and he is here to share it with me…..

Gee….I think my dad DID read my blog.

His cousins aren’t coming to stay at our place anymore. He told me as much. And when I asked him how come? He merely shrugged and said because he asked them to stay at my yeh-yeh’s house instead.

It’s really kindda weird because just one week ago, he was so excited about these relatives coming from China and he wanted all of us to be excited about it as well but of course at that time I wasn’t too excited lah cause all I was thinking about was my bed right and suddenly, he tells me that he asked them to stay at yeh-yeh’s place instead.

I almost crashed the car when he broke the news to me (a natural reaction from being shocked and happy - whoohooooo! I get my room back!!!!) but I was also kindda sceptical about it cause like I said, he was so excited about them coming.

I guess in a way, like how some people realize things after a while (like how I realized that I actually prefer Royce chocolates to Mon Cherri, and how I rather cry watching King Kong than Titanic, and how I love using RM0.60cents per piece Kilometrico black pens as compared to Mont Blanc), he realized that his 3 daughters are all grown-ups and that we all need our own space and that being intruded upon is NOT a good thing - most especially when one’s a beautiful stubborn, fighter-cock 26 year old, another one a sullen, private 24 year old and a 17 year old rebellious, rockin’ teenager - gee, how did daddy even tahan us till now - and ALL full-blooded fiery females too.

But then again….maybe he realized that there are too many personal things in HIS room as well, and he realized that he also does feel uncomfortable about someone staying in it the place where he and mummy shared wonderful moments together (yucks!) and he realized that hey, I don’t think I wanna give up my room to anyone! Way to go, daddy ‘o!

And it probably hit him that there’s THE additonal room and THE maid and THE extra bathroom at yeh-yeh’s place (for the convenience of all) so it’s so much better to put them up there instead. *Grin*. Sometimes my daddy can be so Sssssmart!

So, here’s a poem for you daddy (if you do indeed read my blogs):

Memories in my head, of my love for you, tears (of happiness) in my eyes, For the love that was true, Love in my heart, Which you didn’t (really) see, For your love was for her (mummy of course), And not for me (well, not that sort of love anyways).

Like a bit sad right the poem? Hmmm….but it shall do for now lah.

WHY is it that everytime I wanna do something which i end up doing anyways I also end up regretting what I did and wish I could turn back time? WHY is it everytime I tell myself, ok, you can do this but make sure its the last time you do it, I end up wanting to do it AGAIN?? Like how I told myself that the sakuras were gonna be my last tattoo because I am so freaking broke and now I am soooo dying to get two more geckos.

WHY is it that each time I’m rushing to write something down, the fucking pen has to be OUT OF INK??? And WHY when that happens, I can’t seem to find another pen or pencil anywhere else?? And WHY MUST IT HAPPEN WHEN I’M RUSHING OFF SOMEWHERE????

WHY is it when I’m so nice to people, some people can still be so terribly horrid to me?? And it’s even worse when these people don’t even know that they’re actually being very, very HORRID! Which makes things even worse because then, I cannot be angry or upset with that person! WHY must it ALWAYS be like that????

WHY is it that ’some’ people don’t take into consideration how others feel when it comes to privacy? WHY is it that ’some’ people get so over-concerned about someone else’s welfare that they forget about the welfare of those closer to them? And WHY OH WHY must this person be MY FATHER????

WHY must his cousins from China choose to come to this part of the world for Chinese New Year when there are so many other more interesting places to go to? And WHY must they be yucky, disgusting, filthy farmers from the villages of Suntak, Guongzhou where cleanliness is of the LEAST importance to them? And WHY did daddy even offer them a place to stay at OUR house???

Okok, so I’m going a little over-dramatic here but I still cannot understand WHY in the world did daddy even offer these cousins of his a place to stay in our house! If we had an extra room, fine! If we had a maid, fine! If we had extra bathrooms, fine! But we DON’T have the extra room nor do we have the maid and we definitely do NOT have the extra bathroom!!! And because of all these, my parents are giving up their room for these strangers relatives and moving into MINE! Aarrgh!!!!!!

Daddy….don’t you understand the meaning of privacy? Yes, I know these are your cousins and they’re relatives, and we should welcome them with open arms gack! into our home, but I’m a girl. That is MY bedroom you’re moving into and kicking me OUT of….sniff….and everything in that room is personal and private. And for ONE WHOLE FUCKING WEEK???? Some kind of Chinese New Year I’m gonna be having.

And daddy, while you’re busy entertaining your little relatives from China, I’ll be walking around with a smile plastered on my face, pretending to understand what they’re saying when I really don’t, and having to make polite conversation if we can even understand each another in the first place and all just because I wanna make you happy. And all the while they’re here, I’ll be feeling utterly miserable and might even think of suicide at the thought of you and mummy in MY room on MY bed and the only thing I can do to vent out my misery would be to rant and rave about it in this blog! And you wouldn’t even know how miserable I’ll be because you would never, ever be reading this. Hell, you don’t even know what Frienster is!!! WHY must I love you soooo much?????

I could just SCREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAM!!!!!!

But…..I won’t. WHY? Because I love my dad and I do not want to give him a hard time. Because it’s only gonna be forever for one week and time will definitely pass (am on my knees and praying hard for time to FLY). Because I can always disinfect my room after the whole thing. Because I might get a BIG, FAT ang-pao (fat chance) for being so ‘understanding’. And most of all, because it’s the New Year!

But daddy, why oh why did you not think about putting them up in a hotel nearby?

Kieren James…..

I’m usually NOT the motherly type, and I so do NOT usually ponder about names for my future kids, but somehow, as I was sitting on the bog this morning, this name just weaved itself into my head and planted itself in my heart. Okok, I know it’s not exactly a very nice thought to know that my name was thought up when my mother was taking a dump la, but it’s not like as if i was purposely thinking up names. I mean, hello, I was trying to SHIT! get rid of the unused items in my body!

I can just imagine my mother telling me how she came up with my name. "We actually wanted a son, and we actually thought we were getting a son because your umblical cord got stuck between your legs. So imagine our surprise when out popped a little girl from between my legs!"

I was originally supposed to be known as Kristopher Gerald Ho, gender MALE (thanks to the umblical cord) but now, known as Kristy Geraldine Ho, gender FEMALE instead. Gee…I must say I WAS glad I was born a girl instead of a boy….that is….until I got my first taste of mentrual cramps, cold sweat running down my forehead, cannot even stand properly, having to run to the ladies every 3 hours just to check that I don’t stain my seluar dalam - again, having to wash and scrub out the stains when I DID stain it, having to wake up at bloody 4am in the morning cause I ter-stained my bedsheets, and having to spend so damn much on sanitary pads….and those extra-longs with wings, thank you.

I WAS glad I was born a girl instead of a boy….that is….until I heard about the 9 fucking months of NO sex, bloating into an ugly oversized pumpkin, swelling breasts, huge ugly-ass clothings, STRETCH MARKS aarghh!!!!, and being forced to consume foul-smelling, disgusting tasting herbs forced down your throat by over-excited in-laws only to have the little thing growing inside you kick and jab it’s limbs into your sides causing your tummy to turn into an unsightly bulge.

And then, after that 9 months of having weird cravings and terrible mood swings, you go into 48 hours of excrutiating painful labour, wanting to bite the fingers off that nurse who’s trying to calm you down while the darn doctor is forcing his WHOLE fist INSIDE you to probe around for the head of the little devil who’s causing all these, just to give birth to a wailing, screaming, little miniature of yourself covered in your own blood.

And so, I think to myself again, fuck, why wasn’t I born a boy instead?

But I guess nature has her own plans for me. Maybe that’s why I wasn’t given the prick between my legs which I was suppose to have. And, I’ve grown to love being a woman. Besides, women can do everything a man can, yes, even piss standing up and masturbating! I still love camping and climbing trees bare-legged. I can still throw myself into the waters like a rolling canon-ball and go go-cart racing with the fellas. Hell, I even beat some of them at pool (shall not mention names here…have egos to preserve)!

And yes, we, as women, do not have to deal with that thing called EGO. We do whatever we want, wear whatever we like and pick-up whomever we want. And if we ever fall which is like NEVER we can always pick ourselves up again and walk on and not even look like as if our pride took a tumble down just a few seconds ago. And that IS what so special about women.

However….back to the topic on names….if I ever do get married and pregnant (which is VERY, VERY unlikely), I would like to have a boy….so that I can name him….

Kieren James….and yes, even names which are thought up of when you’re on the bog, is special.

I just stand here and look around, right, and there is not a single fucking person to be seen (except for the working staff of the other bars and diners surrounding us, of course), and I’m like, what the fuck am I doing here?

25 freaking years ago, I was a wailing baby, being fed whenever I opened my mouth screaming, being put to sleep whenever I opened my mouth crying, being fussed over whenever I opened my mouth yelling, being forced to bathe even when I was wailing.

And then right, 10 years ago, I was sitting for my PMR exams, overconfident that I will pass it with flying colours, which I did, of course, and dating my then first love of my life, and having the best education and wonderful relationship with my parents.

Forward it a bit more and we come to 5 years ago. 5 years ago, I was getting the best and most expensive (ah, but of course) educational experience of my life and I was loving every, single second of it. Nice car, great friends, almost-perfect boyfriend. Everything was just going so right!

And 5 years later, like NOW!, a double-degree holder holding a Managerial position, is standing here, looking around and not see a single fucking person…..oh wait…

“Welcome, sir. Your first time here? Can I have your name and contact number please…”

I look at him walk up the stairs, and then, I stand here again, and look around me, and there is not a single fucking person to be seen, and I’m like, what the fuck am I doing here?

Welcome to my first day of being Chief Hostess!