Femme Fatale

Okay. I’m officially turning a year older in 6 days, and yet, here I am, still telling everyone around me that I’m ONLY 25, still very much in my mid-twenties (liar, liar, pants on fire!) and that I still do what all 25 year olds do.

Isn’t age JUST a number after all?

I can still remember my 21st year old birthday party like as if it happened only yesterday. And I can remember every single detail of the party (thanks to photographs as well lah). And presents! I can still tell you who gave me what and how many people shared for something and more. Like I said, it happened only yesterday or so it seems.

Hell, a perfect conversation TODAY can go like this:

Friend: Somebody’s birthday is coming….

Me: Shut up

Friend: There’s nothing wrong with getting a year older, you know

Me: So why dont you go celebrate on my behalf

Friend: What do you have in mind?

Me: Hmmm…..dunno. Probably throw a party - again. Like last year, I did it at a pub near my place. HammerHead Pub. Booked the entire place…erm….wait….sorry….that was actually two years ago. Yeah, so anyways, there was a pool table and a proffessional DJ and free flow of….actually arr….not two years lah, more like four years back actually. Wait….three or four arr….(count fingers)….fuck, it was five fucking years ago

Time just fucking fly, man. And before I know it, I’m gonna be hitting the BIG 3-0! Of course, I’m not even gonna go there yet. For someone who is not even willing to admit that she’s hitting the late-twenties, talking or even thinking about the thirties is a HUGE NO-NO! Very sensitive, you know….

But I know at one point or another, I would have to be facing this age factor soon….and unfortunately, it’s gonna have to be happening very soon. In fact, I think it’s already beginning to happen.

It hit me on Saturday night. Like a huge slap right across the face. And I’m still sulking from the after-effects of that slap. It was like a pail of icy cold water just falling on me, drenching me in nothing but freezing-off-my-ass ice cold water….and….it WAS literally cold.

It was Destination Space: The Voyage Continues Chivas rave up in Gentings. I was practically preparing myself for it for one whole week because I was sooooo excited! I mean, the last rave I went for was Tiesto, Sepang, and that was like what….3 months ago? So obviously another rave got me all worked up and flushing. Adding to that, it was the first rave that the boyfriend was actually going with me, so naturally, I was all high and excited to show off to the virgin-raver what an experienced raver his girlfriend was.

Anyways, we got there at about 10pm. Crowd was just nice, not too packed, not too little people either. Music was pumping good. Booze were flowing. Weather was cool. Staff were decked out in amazing, bright orange space outfits. Everything was just great!

And naturally, being the clubber-raver-chick that I was born to be, my feet started moving to the beat of the music and very soon, I was practically dancing where I was standing. The boyfriend looked a little bored but then again, he had his drunkard friend and the bottle of Chivas to accompany him, so I knew he wouldn’t die - yet. JamieLing was bursting with energy and waiting for me to roar with her on the dancefloor. And that’s what we did.

We hit the podiums at 10.45pm. By 11.30pm, I was having difficulty breathing and I could feel my energy just feeping out from me. And that was when I felt it. The hard, cold, stinging slap, right across my cheeks.

I’M AGING!!!!

Two years back…hell no….one year back even, I was known as the energizer bunny because I never ran out of energy or stamina. I was always on my feet, dancing the night away, never even having to stop for a breather or to take a sip of water.

ZoukOut Genting - I was there from beginning to end.

Heineken Rave, Sepang - I was there from beginning to end.

ZoukOut Revelation, PD - I was there from beginning to end.

Chivas Rave - I was there for ONLY 45 minutes, and I started feeling tired!

How could that have happened? After all, age is just a number, isn’t it? So why is it that as I’m getting older, I’m also getting weaker. It’s not like as if I’m 50. I’m ONLY 25! Okay fine….26 in 6 days.

And then I realized, my heart doesn’t skip a beat anymore when someone mentions ‘Mumbo Jumbo’ like how it used to. I don’t plan to go clubbing anymore because I just don’t feel the rush of excitement for it as I used to. There’s no more girly excitement to dress up and make up for the night outs. There are no more urges to go buy more clubbing clothes. There’s no more curiosity to find out what’s hot and happening in the night scenes anymore.

Instead, I feel more excitement when the boyfriend says, "Let’s go catch a movie", or when the girls meet up for a session of pure bitching and gossiping. I would even choose to curl up in bed with a good book rather than go out there to party.

No no no….don’t get me wrong. I’m not saying that I’m turning into a boring, lifeless, dull girl. I still enjoy myself tremendously when I go clubbing with the girls, or when I go for beers with the guys, or even at parties thrown by friends and people I enjoy being with. I just don’t find the joy to go clubbing for the sake of clubbing anymore, that’s all.

I don’t really know if this is a sad thing or a good thing. I mean, there are the pros and cons to being both, but that I will probably list down in my next blog. I guess it’s just a phase that everyone has to go through, and I’m coming to the next chapter in life.

So, anyways, to all my dear friends and family, please remember that there will ONLY be 18 candles of my birthday cake from now onwards….

I finally solved the mystery of "The Smell"!

There was a terrible, pungent odour that was hanging around in the upstairs bathroom for the pass one week and I just couldn’t figure out what it was - or where it came from!

I searched every corner of the bathroom but nothing. Even put my head into the bog just to see if the smell was coming from there but even the freaking bog smelt good at that time!

I just didn’t understand! I mean, the bathroom was only this big, and it was obvious the damn smell was coming from in there cos you could only smell it when you stepped into it. So it was really weird that I couldn’t figure out where it was coming from.

So, I thought maybe it was coming from the bin cos second sister was having her friend visit her at that time so the bin was full off used friendship thingys but when I opened it up, it was empty! Ha! Imagine the HORROR of not being able to solve "The Smell"!!!!

Someone must have smelt it too and must have drawn the same conclusion as me (smell coming from bin) and emptied it….but nope, apparently, the smell wasn’t coming from there cos the bin was empty but the smell was still there! 

After a while, I decided to give up on the search for the source of "The Smell" and just started praying and hoping that it will miraculously disappear one fine day.

So, one fine day, as I was sitting at the dining table munching on some cashew nuts, and chatting with the second sister about nothing, mummy walks down the stairs.

"Jodie Ho! Can you please take that shell of yours out of the bathroom! It’s stinking up the whole place!!!!"

And that, my dear friends, was the cause of "The Smell".

And I can’t believe that I never suspected it to be coming from that insignificant thing that the second sister was keeping, soaked in a cup of Dettol, in the upstairs bathroom. 

The boyfriend called about 2 minutes ago.

"Honey, wanna meet up for a quick lunch?"

"Sure!"

"Alright, will be there in 15 minutes".

His office is in Sri Kembangan, mine in Kelana Jaya. He had a meeting at Glenmarie and it just ended. I have a meeting to attend in Dataran Prima at 2pm. It’s 12.25pm now.

Why would we still wanna have lunch together when we know it’s gonna be a rushed one? We still need to decide where to eat and look for parking, which leaves us with even less time for lunch. But we still want to do it anyhow. Why?

Because we WANT to.

Because we know that despite the limited time we had to see each another and enjoy our lunch at the same time, the meet-up would be a good break for both of us from our busy schedule. It will make us happier to be able to enjoy each another’s company (even if its only for a short while), and it helps to make the second half of the day go by much easier.

It’s these little things that keep our relationship alive and going. You know, just sipping coffee / tea (or alcohol in our case) on the beach watching the sun go down, having heart-to-heart conversations in bed in the wee hours of the morning, taking long walks around the neighbourhood (while the dogs bark their sorry asses off), going off on impulsive trips, getting happily pissed drunk together and laughing so hard when the other party does something so totally crazy (like failing miserably to jump across a fountain), or even just having drinks at the nearby mamak, watching other people misbehave.

Expensive presents doesn’t matter. But a good conversation does.

That leather jacket in TopShop doesn’t feel as good as having his arms wrapped around you to keep you warm.

It’s good to show off that Carolina Herera, Chic he bought for you but it’s nothing compared to feeling that WONDERFUL feeling when he inhales in the scent of your hair and lets go a satisfied sigh…

I always get asked, "How can you be so in love with someone?" - especially when that someone drives me up the wall more often than not….and my answer is always the same, "Because I WANT things to work out".

Going through my emails today, I found this very interesting dialogue between Noah and his wife and it is exactly how i feel.

Noah: Would you just stay with me?
Allie: Stay with you? What for? Look at us, we are already fighting.
Noah: Well that’s what we do. We fight. You tell me when I’m being an arrogant son of a bitch and I tell you when you are being a pain in the ass. Which you are 99% of the time. I’m not afraid to hurt your feelings. You have like a two second rebound rate and you’re back to doing the next pain in the ass thing.
Allie: So what.
Noah: So it’s not going to be easy. It’s going to be really hard. And we’re going to have to work at this every day. But I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, every day.

"The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds. And that’s what you’ve given me. That’s what I’d hope to give to you forever."

There is no such thing as the RIGHT man / woman for anyone because nobody’s perfect. Everyone has a flaw, some maybe more than others, but one way or another, there is bad and good in everyone. It’s how you learn to accept these flaws and make them into something beautiful. It’s how you learn to live with these imperfections and turn them to your advantage for a stronger, better relationship. It’s about how much you WANT to work things out and how far you are willing to go to MAKE sure that it does work out.

As long as both parties are willing to put in an effort to make things work, you can overcome whatever obstacles that comes your way. Be it that mother who doesn’t want to bless your marriage, or that guy who is not willing to let go of his current girlfriend for you eventhough he has confessed his endless love to you endlessly, or even that ‘Ex’ who has suddenly popped into the picture, you WILL pull through.

And this is EXACTLY what I want for mine.   

My cousin’s wedding is in two weeks…

She still hasn’t gotten the blessings from her future mother-in-law….

And my godmother is hiring security guards to guard the wedding entourage as well as the house when it is left empty….

And all for what?

The fact that the future mother-in-law despises the fact that her only son is marrying a Chinese lady - my beautiful, intelligent 29 year old cousin.

Whatever happened to freedom to choose? Whatever happened to OUR RIGHT TO RELIGION?

You see, it all boils down to the fact that even in the 21st century - NOW - religion is still very much the problem when it comes to relationships, marriages and what not.

Take for example, a close friend of mine. She’s Chinese. He’s Chinese. But she’s Japanese Buddhist and he’s Protestant. And she’s widely known (in his church) as the ‘Devil’ who’s trying to take away one of their angels. And she was even told to her face about it - by THEM!

WHY do people condemn other people’s religion when their actions alone is already proving to the whole world that they are not learning very much by condemning others.

WHY do people think that other religions or race are not as good as their own?

Doesn’t ALL religion teach us the same basics?

• learn to love others as you love yourself
• love your God

So, why don’t people just stick to their own religions, do what they were taught to do, and just leave their stinking noses OUT of other people’s religion!

Not good!!!!!

First email I get when I logged into my inbox this morning was this:

Are Past Loves the Key to Romantic Bliss?

Argghhhh!!! So much for trying my best to ‘understand’ this whole thing!

Even my emails aren’t helping.

The ‘Ex’ has finally appeared after soooo many months of dating!

Okay, fine, I haven’t really seen her - yet. In fact, I haven’t even met her. I’ve only seen a small picture of her on Friendster (HIS Friendster list, mind you). But then again, I have almost all my ex-es on my list as well, so I can’t really complain about that eventhough I’m always right. Anyways, yeah….

So, it’s not like as if I never knew about her existence. I did. Right from the start too. But to me, she has always been someone from his past. And would always stay there. And it was all the more easier for me to make believe that she will always be kept in the past because as it is, she isn’t even in the country! Until now, that is.

And I can’t handle it! I don’t know how to handle it!

It’s like I have mixed feelings or something. I don’t even know how to describe what I’m feeling now. Fuck, I’ve never felt anything like this before! I’m like stepping on unfamiliar territory here and I just don’t know how to find my way out.

First of all, he’s the first guy I’ve ever dated who has dated before. I’m his third actually. But for me, I’ve ALWAYS been the first for all my past boyfriends. Which is why I never had to face an ‘Ex’-situation like that before. Which is why I am feeling so insecure now. Which is why for the very first time now, I’m in a situation that is OUT of my control!

When I heard that the ‘Ex’ was back in town, I didn’t know how to react to it. All I did was just a lame, "Oh, okay. So will you be meeting her?" with a fake smile plastered onto my face. What else could I do? I didn’t know what to say.

It’s like, on one hand, I try my best to be the understanding girlfriend. After all, ‘they’ were over like 3 years ago and now, it’s ‘us’ already.

But on the other hand, I can’t help but feel extremely slightly uneasy because ‘they’ didn’t end because he stopped loving her. ‘They’ ended because things just weren’t working out. She was too busy pursuing her own interest and dreams and he was too busy with his own career. And time just wasn’t on ‘their’ side. And I guess things just ended because ‘they’ started spending less and less time with each another. Which makes it even worse for me to handle it NOW because as far as I’m concerned, ‘they’ didn’t end because he stopped loving her.

Wail! Drama I know….but then again, I’m well-known for being one.

But drama or not, everywhere we go, we’re surrounded by stories of people leaving their current partners to work things out with their ex-es. In fact, I just heard about someone I know, whose girlfriend left him to go back to her ex, merely 3 days ago.

So, though I’m trying my utter best to be the understanding girlfriend (hell, I even went to the extreme of asking him, today, if he was going to catch up with her soon since she’s back and oh gawd! even attempted to cracked a joke about asking where she stays so that I can dump him back at her house and beg her to pleeeeeease take him back), I am also feeling very jealous, possessive and unsure. I can’t help but torture myself with thoughts of him dumping me unceremoniously one day to fly back into her arms.

And I guess until the day I learn to take charge of the situation, I’m going to continue giving myself mental stress and hopefully, I might become so numb from the whole thing that I would become emotionless - especially when it comes to situations like this. 

There’s someone I know, very close to in fact, who is this close to falling flat on her face, and she doesn’t even know it yet. Well, perhaps she DOES know it but it hasn’t really sunk into that thick skull of hers that she is going to fall. Does she have to fall first before realizing that she has fallen?

Do we really need to get hurt first before we learn our lesson?

Sometimes, it isn’t because we were too blind to see what lies ahead of us. Sometimes, it could be because we do not want to see what there is in front of us. Perhaps it is because we know what we’re doing right now is wrong, and that if we continue on the same path, the road will only lead us to disaster, and we do not really want to think about that first.

Or it could be because we really are blinded by what’s happening now and no matter what people are telling us or advicing us, we have full confidence that the road ahead is clear…..that is until we fall 20 feet down into a dark hole.

Some people land on their feet.

Some fall, break a few bones, but somehow manage to push themselves up to walk again.

Some just lie there, cry and sob their whole broken heart away, wail about the pain and hurt they’re going through, but don’t do anything about it.

Some might be fortunate enough to have good friends and family to help them up. But what about those who don’t? Are they just going to lie there forever, hoping and waiting that some day, somehow, someone will finally come to their aid?

Perhaps some people just really need to learn things the hard way to finally learn something.

I’ve already done so much one can do to prevent my loved one from falling flat on her pretty little nose. Whether she wants to heed my advice, that’s entirely up to her. I cannot force her into doing something she doesn’t want to do. I cannot force her to see something that she doesn’t want to see. I can only pray and hope that everything will turn out for the best and that I was wrong all these while.

And in the mean time until the road ahead looks a little clearer, I shall hope and pray that nothing will happen to make retard the nose of my loved one.

The night before my family and I left for Cheng Beng, I was just talking to my mummy right, and was going on and on complaining about this and that, and she said something that made me stop and ponder. Hmmm….will they ever?

I mean, we can even go shopping for clothes online, or order food through the Internet, or even sell our cats and dogs through the web portal. Basically, anything we want to get rid off or buy can be done through the Internet.

Even catching up on the latest updates of a friend’s life can be read online - every single detail too.

Like for me, I don’t have to catch up with Mich or Tjin or the rest of the gang to know what’s been happening in their lives. All I ever have to do is to log onto Friendster search for their pictures on my list and VIOLA! I get to see pictures of them and what they’ve been up to lately, where the party was (and how come I wasn’t there), and who’s their latest lover or what not.

And when I meet up with them the next time, I don’t even have to ask them, "Hey girls, what you been up to lah?"….they already know everything there is to know about me and vice versa.

So, here I ponder….

Will we ever be able to go for Cheng Beng online?

How SOON would that be? 

Judging from the phone calls that ‘other’ and I have received since I posted up my latest blog: It Wasn’t Me, I guess I am left with no choice but to leave here a few pointers on how to read my Blogs.

1. Femme Fatale ALWAYS blogs from her point of view, whether or not it’s related to her. So, whatever you read, may or may not be related to her personal life, but perhaps to the lives of those closest to her instead.
2. Femme Fatale ALWAYS uses the word ‘I‘ when blogging about the lives of others. This is done to protect the feelings of those involved.
3. Femme Fatale is NOT a real person. She’s a character used for blogging, therefore, all blogs blogged naturally does NOT have to be related to the owner of this blog character.
4. Femme Fatale’s character is NOT the same as the owner of this blog (she’s the bitchier version - but only while blogging).
5. Femme Fatale tends to over-dramatize sometimes - so DON’T believe everything she blogs.
6. Femme Fatale is FEMALE - she BITCHES.

Get it?

It’s amazing how that poor girl at the front office gets screwed up everyday by unsatisfied customers, screamed at by unhappy guests, bullied and stepped all over by spoilt rich heiress who demands better service, having to endure being showered upon by spittles and unsavoury remarks from just about every other annoyed visitors, when actually, it really isn’t her fault at all.

I mean, just think about it. Why do we scream at that waitress when we find a little black, almost burnt, cockroach floating in that colour-less mushroom soup we ordered? Did she put it there? Did she like, "Whoohooo, look, a little black cockroach! Let’s boil it in this mushroom soup and serve it to that customer so that she’ll scream at me!"? First of all, would she even be in the kitchen, watching the Chef prepare that soup?

And that poor hostess at the club. It’s already bad enough that she has to stand there in that awful short skirt and dangerously high heels all night, with a smile plastered on her heavily painted face, we just have to add to her misery by shouting at her when she tells us in her most patient tone, "Sorry sir, but I’m afraid you can’t come in. We have a dresscode here". It’s NOT her fault for stopping us from going in. She’s only following instructions from her boss. So, why don’t we look for her boss instead, shout at him instead, instead of shouting at the poor girl?

Fine. So what I’m actually getting to is this. Why do we always get blamed for something that we did NOT do?

Whether its at work, or at home, or even in a fucking relationship (and I AM refering to an existent as well as a NON-existent relationship here), we get blamed for something that isn’t even our fault at all.

Is it so wrong for me to JUST be my crazy self instead of having to plaster a fake professional front on my face whenever I’m in the office? If people are going to get to know me, then they should get to know ALL of me, isn’t it? And if they like what they see, is that my fault at all? Do we blame the coffee for making coffee-lovers out of almost everyone?

And….I happen to be very much in LOVE with a particular person. So. Sue me! Is it so wrong for me to be able to feel love, to be able to find so much space in my heart to love someone? Hell, I can love whomever I want to, thank you, and YOU can’t stop me. And if YOU happen to be the person I’m in love with but you don’t want my love, then DON’T accept it. But YOU can’t stop me from loving you. Just like how I don’t stop YOU from loving anyone else. So, can you fault me for being able to feel so much passion?

Is it my fault for not trusting you anymore? Obviously, I have a good reason why I don’t trust you anymore. So, can you blame me for questioning your every move, for looking at you suspiciously when I have every right to be?! So, why don’t you crawl back to that corner of yours and just try to think for ONE FUCKING SECOND why I can’t be blamed for not hanging onto every single word that comes out from your mouth anymore!

So see here. Why don’t ALL of us just crawl back into our corners, and just sit down to ponder on the fact that is it only human nature to blame others for something not their fault?

Is it only human nature to push aside something that we ourselves cannot face, and therefore it  leads to us pointing our fingers at someone else instead?

I lied. You don’t trust me anymore. I blame you for not being understanding.

Everyone in the office likes hanging out with you. I don’t like it. I blame you for flirting with them (when you were actually just being yourself).

I walked-out on our relationship a long time ago. I’m back for a second chance. You don’t want to forgive me. I blame you for being proud.

I pushed you away when you asked for help. Now, I need yours. You refuse to help me. I blame you for being unforgiving.

I rest my case.